The Worst Part of Depression.. From the Inside

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I think the worst part of depression is when you’re happy for a few weeks. You spend days on end smiling, laughing, joking, growing, and feeling genuine joy. You get so wrapped up in something new: a relationship, friendship, hobby, job, book, that you forget there’s anything wrong with you. You forget the sleepless nights, aching chest, and the scars. You forget that there’s an emptiness in you that you’ve been trying so hard to figure out and fill. You forget what it feels like to spend hours in your bed crying over nothing. You forget what it feels like to not wanna get up in the morning. You feel whole. You start to hope that maybe this time you’re better. You think that maybe this thing, person, or place has finally fixed you. And you’re excited. You’re ready for a life that you see everyone else living. Because really, how hard is it to stay happy? And then you wake up one morning after an absolutely perfect evening the night before and you can feel it. You don’t cry because it’s not that bad… Yet. You tell yourself it’s just a bad day but you know it’s a lie. You know the hollowness in your chest; it’s familiar. Has it really only been a few weeks since it was there? You brush it off and throw yourself deeper into whatever it was that gave you this happiness in the first place. You cling to it like a lifeline. If it lasted this long already, why can’t it be forever? Why can’t you keep the genuine smile? It’s not fair, and you know it. So you hold on for dear life because what else are you gonna do? You find yourself faking it cause you don’t feel it. You push away your family, end your relationship, quit your job, pack up every aspect of the thing that gave you joy, and you tuck it away. Because if it couldn’t keep you happy forever, what’s the point? You know what’s coming, and you don’t even bother fighting it. You wonder how many times you’re gonna make it through. You find yourself on the bathroom floor with the razor you swore you’d never pick up again. You’re numb, lost, and exhausted. And you look up and ask what now..

And that’s the worst part of depression, hoping like hell that it’s gone this time but knowing it’s only a matter of time.


What really irks me…

•February 5, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Okay, so it’s rant time.

If you’re a female, you’ll probably understand where I’m coming from.

What bugs me the most about girls/young women these days is their lack of respect for each other, namely others’ relationships.

With social networking sites at the peak of their popularity, it’s obvious when someone is in a relationship, or even married.

But young ladies these days show a blatant disregard for the feelings of other girls.

They choose to text/call/message/Snapchat/Skype with men who are taken.

Some even go as far as to engage in a physical relationship with a man/boy whom they know is in a relationship.

It’s sickening.

No girl likes to be cheated on.

All girls are hurt by it.

So why would you even put yourself out there to someone whom you know is someone else’s joy?

I understand that men are to blame as well, but I know that NO woman wants to be cheated on.

No woman wants to have to ask “What does she have that I don’t?”

So why would you put that on someone else?

Why would you want to be the cause of their pain?

Just something to chew on because I know I wouldn’t.

Hurt people like to hurt people.

•February 3, 2013 • Leave a Comment

It’s a phrase my pastor uses often. It’s pretty self-explanatory, right? Someone
makes you upset, hurts you, breaks your trust, and you instantly want to hurt
them back. You want them to feel the pain that they’ve put on you. You want to
watch them crumple and even cry simply because they did it to you.

   The truth is it’s human nature.
When you’re the prey you instinctively try to become the predator so you can be
in control. You want to know that you have all power in the situation. And that
leaves us with a sick and twisted defense mechanism that can be summed up in
that tidy little statement. Hurt people like to HURT people.
   So because it’s human nature, the natural response
to feeling pain, it’s totally acceptable, right? Because all things natural must
be good… I mean that’s what society says, isn’t it? As long as it’s
instinctual, it’s okay. That’s why sex has become such a huge part of the
American culture. It’s been deemed “natural.” But then we hear the sick stories
of rape, child molestation, and other sexual crimes, and I’m forced to wonder if
natural is really the best choice.
But my plan isn’t to address the sexual impurities that are far too common in
our society. That’s another topic left for another day. Instead I want to offer
an alternative to the statement that hurt people like to hurt people. After all,
what good actually comes from lashing out and saying things that we don’t mean,
or that we do mean but shouldn’t say out of anger? Do you feel a satisfaction
when you see someone aching in pain due to the bite of your words? Not usually.
In fact, I generally feel remorse and regret after such an outburst. I find
myself wishing I could take it back, and in realizing I can’t, I pour out
endless apologies. But what about stopping the attack before it gets to that
   Personally, I would rather
prevent the outburst than ask for forgiveness later. So, how do we do it?

   Well, God says to seek first His
kingdom. I believe this applies to all situations, not just ones that involve
low levels of emotion. Honestly, those are the situations that matter the most.
When strong emotions, especially those negative in nature, are brought into a
situation, it creates an open door for an attack from the enemy. And if we as
Christians choose to not guard our hearts in times of attack, the results can be
   The enemy seeks to
hurt, kill, and destroy, and these outbursts of anger do just that. They don’t
build anyone up. They don’t show the love that we are called at Christ followers
to exhibit. They aren’t positive in any way at all.
   So when emotions are high, we must do as God
commands, and seek first His kingdom. We must do what the enemy wishes deeply
that we wouldn’t: PRAY. Prayer is often a last resort for Christians. It’s the
point we come to when we have exhausted all other avenues. We’ve taken life into
our own worldly hands, and come up short. So then we fall on our knees, saying
it’s the last place left to go. But in an ideal relationship with God, it should
be our FIRST resort.
   When we are
hurt or angry, we should immediately go to the cross. We should offer grace and
forgiveness, and ask God to show us His heart in the situation. Chances are He
will reveal to you a brokenness or hurt in the other person’s heart that has
caused them to act that way toward you. He will show you the love that you
should also show to that person. He will offer you healing, and if you’re lucky,
give you a chance to minister to them. And in first seeking His kingdom, you can
turn a negative, hurtful situation into one that breathes the breath of Jesus
into their life, which is exactly the opposite of what the enemy wants to
   So this is a challenge to Christians out there:
Don’t fall into the enemy’s trap. Seek first His kingdom, and change the “natural”

•January 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment

This Waiting Game.

•January 29, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Truthfully, I don’t know what we’re waiting on here.

Seeing you in such a new, loving light is amazing.

I’m glad that I’m going to have my husband and marriage back.

But I don’t know what we’re waiting on.

I don’t know why things aren’t falling into place.

I feel like I’m where I need to be.

I feel like it’s time for this aching pain to go away.

I don’t want to have to miss you anymore.

Yet here we are, waiting..

Are we waiting for trust to build?

If so, I don’t get it.

I hardly talk to you.

See you once a week if I’m lucky, and even that is only for a few minutes.

I’m sorry, but when we got married, I didn’t expect half of the things that happened to happen…

I just want the happily ever after that I signed up for.

Maybe that’s the problem…

Maybe I have the wrong idea about what to expect.

Maybe I’m the one who’s holding us back.

Because in all honesty, all I want is to hold you.

The man I adore.

The man I trust.

The man I married.

I’m just so confused about this waiting game.


•January 28, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Here’s the thing about hoping.

I try to contain it.

I try to hide it from everyone else.

I try to keep it as my own little secret so I don’t have to hear what they say.

But the moment I start hoping for you, it’s a sparkle in my eye.

It lights up my world.

It makes me smile.

And hoping through God makes it that much easier.

I’m counting on Him to keep His promise.

It’s not a humanly power.

It’s truly out of this world, and I love it.

Hoping for you through God is the best feeling in the world.

And knowing that I’ll get my promise is just the frosting on the cake.

I’m so joyous…

It’s a bounce in my step.

It’s a heart made whole..

It’s a breath of fresh air,

And this post is For Hearts Like Mine.

Put your faith in God.

Put your hope in God.

Put your joy in God.

Put your life in God’s hands…

The results are perfection.

The results are beautiful.

The results are out of this world.

and i’m loving them like i love you. ♥

•January 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So very close to my situation. ♥ definitely for hearts like mine.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage


My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. And if there is one thing alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets.

My ex learned his role from a young age. He didn’t discuss his parents with others. He didn’t invite his friends over to his house. He learned how to keep a low profile and stay out of the line of fire. He learned not to have expectations of his parents and how to survive on his own. He learned to shut his door and shut his mouth.

I thought he could overcome his family.

I was brought into the inner folds of the family within a few short months of dating. He told me the stories of his dad passed out on the couch or drunk at his birthday party. I received a call when his dad was taken by ambulance to the emergency room due to excessive alcohol…

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